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Essay about Personal Narrative: My Grandmother’s Death

On May 1, 2014, my grandmother, Phuong Tran, passed away because of a stroke. We were so close and I usually stayed in her house while my parents were in their business trip. The days before her death, there were no signs of sickness. She did her daily jobs as usual. We also made some cookies with her new recipe. The day she dies, in that morning, I asked her if I could hang out with my cousins and come home at night. And, when I came home, I saw her sleep on the couch, I woke her up to ask if she wanted to go to her bedroom and realized she is dead. I called 911, but it was too late; the stroke took her away from me. After her death, I denied the truth and blamed myself for what I happened. Whenever I think about that day, I was depressed…

She is gone because I left her alone at home that day and hang out with my cousins instead. Kubler-Kloss and Kessler say, “you are the one left standing in the wake of your sorrow, seeing the past as something you did wrong” (Kubler-Kloss and Kessler 67). The feeling of guilt and self-blame were with me whenever I either thought about her or saw her belongings. At any time I remembered that she passed away partly because of my fault, the tears rolled down. According to ORourke, “it is not unusual for a mourner to talk out loud- to cry out- to a lost one, in an elevator, or while walking the dog.” My grandma left me behind with the feeling of guilt in my heart. The stroke took her away because I was not at home to save her. I blamed myself for what happened. And as the consequences for the mistakes I did, I bargained for what happened and I wishes that I might be able to fix it…

The feeling of guilt and grief about her death kept me from sleeping and I also lost my interest for my daily activities. Freud says, “This picture of a delusion (mainly moral) inferiority is completed by sleeplessness and refusal to take nourishment, and- what is psychologically very remarkable – by an overcoming of the instinct which compels every living thing to cling to life” (Freud 246). Whenever I went to bed and saw the pictures we took together, I could not sleep. I also did not have any interest to think which foods and beverages I needed to take for a day. Maybe, it was depression which Kubler-Kloss and Kessler note, “is not a sign of mental illness, It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on at all?” (Kubler-Kloss and Kessler 20). I had no motivations to keep going. I let sadness took over my feelings and separated myself from life. I was drowned by the feelings of depression until I realized those things can not bring my grandmother back and I needed to deal with…

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