People always say that in a near death experience, your life always flashes before your eyes. I waited for that moment to happen, but all I saw was the series of decisions that led me to the situation I was in. I remember this morning clearly, the day I had been waiting for, When I received my SAT scores. I had never been a super bad student, just never really a good one, grades have never been important to me, it was always about friends.
The spots for athlete and genius in my seemingly perfect family had already been filled by my younger brother and older sister, so I put my effort into doing the one thing I could do that no one else would- be popular. I’m not really trying to say that I’m the most popular girl in the world but I’ve always been good at making friends, and in a competitive family like mine, in a small town, I used it to my advantage. Although no matter what I did, I knew that there was that underlying lower expectation for me than my siblings, so at some point I guess I lowered my own expectations for myself.
Around a month before the SATs started, I was sitting at my desk in my history classroom in the same seat always sit in when my best friend, Kayla, leaned over and whispered to me, “Hey, Bells, I think those two dorks are talking about you” Across the room I could see some girls I hadn’t bothered to learn the names of whispering and looking at me. It didn’t bother me until the small girl with glasses and baggy jeans said, “Sure, Bella’s moderately pretty, but she’s dumb. Shes gonna peak in highschool, probably not even going to get into college. Kaylas eyes got wide as she got up to go defend me as she always was doing but i pushed her back into the hard blue plastic chairs that had probably been in the classroom since the 80’s. “Kay, stop it’s fine they’re just losers. ” I brushed it off as i always did and went back to looking at my phone. Later that night the words of the girl i generally wouldn’t give the time of day to just kept repeating in my head, because i didn’t want it to be true. Hey high pitched voice was driving me crazy as i tried to push it out of my head.
I had never spent much time thinking about what i was going to do with my life once high school was over in a short year and half from then, but i knew it wasn’t going it be a waitress at the Denny’s on walker road. I broke down and decided that i was going to prove the girl with the high pitched voice wrong. For the first time in my life I raised my bar higher and actually tried. I was told my whole life that if I just applied myself, if I just tried I would succeed. I blew off my friends, who asked frequent questions like Bell, what’s going on?
Are you OK? Are you SURE you want to miss another party this weekend? I glued myself to SAT preparation books. Once the actual test that would for the most part, determine my future, rolled around I was a wreck. I don’t remember much about the actual test, but I still feel how uncomfortable those hard plastic chairs were and that my hands were so sweaty I stopped counting the times I dropped my pencil after 8. After the testing was over, I thought i would be relieved, but instead i was more nervous than ever.
I spent every moment thinking about every problem i got wrong, every problem that would stop me from getting into college. I’ve always had high anxiety, about everything, and i learned to lower my expectations and expect the worst in order to cope with it. “Come on Bell! You have to get up it’s time for breakfast! ” My mom screamed at me with an annoyed tone at me across the house. I had already been up for 2 hours, staring at my ceiling because I wasn’t quite ready to be surrounded by my family. I finally pulled myself out of the tangled mess of sheets that had become by bed from my restless night of sleep.
My whole body shivered and my toes curled as they touched the cold hardwood floor of my room. I slumped out into the kitchen where my mom, older sister and little brother sat with a huge array of food for breakfast. I was too nervous to be hungry so I sat down and put my head on the table. “You know Bella and Lana get their SAT scores back today, right? ” My little brother Porter added to the conversation, making me give him a death stare because it was the last thing I wanted to talk about. “I totally forgot! Are you excited Lana? What do you think you got?
I’m sure you got another perfect score baby! ” My cheeks burned with embarrassment, annoyance and a hint of jealousy as my parents went on to praise my older genius sister has they always had, Completely forgetting my existence. I was used to my mom’s obvious preference to Lana- In everything but something about my own stress levels set me off. I got up and turned my back on my family before they could see the hot tears of anger running down my cheeks. I silently and calmly walked back to my room, making sure that i kept my cool in order to show them i didn’t care.
I slammed my door closed and I began to remember that there is no way that i did good on my test, It’s not possible. I’m Bella Drake, the dumb one, Lana Drake is the smart one. I always had been, always will be right? I mean how did I think that I could just change overnight, there was no changing the fact that i would never be as good as my older sister. I heard a small knock on my door and before i could stop tell Porter to leave me alone, he let himself in my room. “Porter. Get. Out. Of. My. Room. Now. ” I barked at him with a poker face.
He didn’t say anything as he slowly walked towards me, as if i was a rabid animal that might bite his head off. He sat on the corner of my messy bed in silence for a few moments until he broke it by saying, “You really need to clean your room, you can barely see the floor. ” I couldn’t help but laugh at his lame attempt to make me feel better. I threw a pillow at him and he began laughing with me until we were both in hysterics on my bed. I had always been close with Porter, probably because he was the only one who I wasn’t scared of being vulnerable around.
People seeing me weak had always been one of my biggest insecurities, I was always fine to everyone but Porter. He grabbed one of my fluffy pillows and threw it back and ran out of my room for his life. He didn’t ask me about my SATs or anything, he just made me smile. I looked over at my laptop sitting across my room that seemed to be taunting me, laughing at me because i was too scared to open it. The little silver rectangle that sat still and alone scared me more than anyone or anyone, It had the answers that likely told me that I wasn’t as good as my sisters waited for me on that screen.
I started walking towards the evil looking device to, conquer my demons, when i was interupted by my screaming ringtone. I dove across my bed, glad there was an excuse to leave my laptop to its deep sleep. I looked at my bright screen to see a call from kayla that i immediately picked up. “Bell, Jess is throwing a party tonight. You are going. You have no choice I’m kidnapping you. SATs are over and you no longer have an excuse to blow me off. ” I smiled at Kayla trying to force me. “Of course, I’ll be there Kay, want me to pick you up? ” I asked with a giggle. Oh thank god i thought i might actually have to kidnap you. Yes sounds good i’ll see you at 8 bell! ” Kayla said enthusiastically as she cut off the call. I smiled at my crazy best friend and looked at the time which was already 12. I went to my desk and sat down staring at my laptop once again. I opened the cold metal laptop and before i could type my password in, my heart started pounding and I slammed my devilish laptop closed. I took a deep breath and tried to push the negative thoughts that seemed to constantly be controlling me out of my head but I couldn’t.
I laid down in my bed and closed my eyes as tight as i could as i tried to just stop my mind for a little. When i woke up i tried to pretend like i wasn’t ignoring anything, like i was just getting ready for a party as usual. I pulled out my flat iron and began straightening my long curly and kinky dark brown hair I always resented because i got it from my dad. I slapped on makeup to my light brown skin until it looked as if I had nothing but clear skin. I never understood the point of putting on makeup to make it look like you don’t need makeup, but i did it anyway.
I curled my eyelashes and put in my hoops while i picked out a pair of light wash ripped jeans and a dark red plain t-shirt to go with. I slipped on a long gold necklace and my converse, grabbed my keys and purse and headed out to pick up kayla. When I walked past my mom in the living room, reading something on her kindle i half expected her to ask where I was going or tell me to be careful, but she didn’t. I rolled my eyes as i slammed the front door hoping to get some satisfaction out of the loud noise, but i didn’t. My arms immediately were covered in goosebumps as i stepped outside in the cold december.
I went into my purse to grab my phone and as i did i lost my footing on the slippery steps, but i luckily caught myself. i carefully made my way to my iced over car and practically had to pry the frozen door open. Once I was In i turned the heat of the car all the way to attempt at defrosting myself from those few seconds outside. I pulled my phone out and texted with my frozen fingers to kayla that I would be there in about 5 minutes. I couldn’t pull the SATs out of my mind no matter how hard i tried. It was like i was trying to trick myself into thinking that I forgot about them, but even my usual trick wouldn’t work.
I turned the volume up on my stereo as far as i could and pulled into Kaylas driveway. She came running out with her shoes in her hands and practically jumped into my car. “Hola Chica, I missed you! ” Kayla practically squealed while changing the station on my radio. I smiled and started driving but she gave me a confused look. “Bell, I know you, what’s up? Are you ok? Did you get your scores? ” she said interrogatively. “Nah, I haven’t really worked up the courage to look at them yet, it’s fine i’ll check them when I get home tonight. I lied brushing her questions off my shoulder.
My negative thoughts were getting pounding in my head along with the loud music and Kayla singing along, and then i get a text. I looked down at my phone just for a second, it was a text from my mom that read, “Lana got her scores, a 1600! ” There was no how did you do. There was no how are you. There was just Lana, as usual. In that moment my head seemed to explode with the million things surrounding me. My world went in slow motion as the december ice covered roads took control of my car. Everything spun around and around.
Every ounce of stress, anxiety, of self loathing and hatred escaped my head for the first time in my life, and there was a moment of stillness. My life wasn’t flashing before my eyes, but there was a moment of realization. I realized that I spent my short life on people who didn’t deserve me, but i wasn’t alone. Everything became clear, and beautiful. I spent my short life anxiety filled trying to please others, and now I was just another girl who was in a car crash. There was nothing important about me, I was just a person. I am just a human, and for the first time i loved myself. Then everything went black.