I grew up as the ignored daughter. The first child of two very smart, diligent working class carribean immigrant parents. My parents worked tirelessly to give my sibling and I everything we needed. We never had to worry about where our next meal was comming from and we never wore hand me downs, for all intents and purposes, we were blessed. The one thing my parents passed down to us was religion. It was our way of life. For as long as I could remember, church three times a week was a way of life for me. From a very young age, bible scriptures were instilled in me, almost like affirmations that were supposed to wash over me and make sense…
They didn’t. I learned that God didn’t make any mistakes, not to question what I was taught, that God designated me male at birth for a reason. As I got older and began to embark on my gender journey, The scriptures I was taught no longer seemed applicable to my situation. They felt hollow and meaningless to me, because there weren’t any specific passages on transgender people. I wondered alot about where my soul would go when I died. I needed answers for things and my parents couldn’t answer any of these questions for me.
As I grew older, I felt more restriction placed on me as a way to change the person | saw myself becomming… parts of me had to die in order for me to survive. I internalized alot of negative feelings about my body and fell into a serious depression. For a long period of time | allowed my gender dysphoria and depression to take over my life. I allowed it to take precedence over my schooling, my personal life, and my ability to make money. I allowed it for so long to dictate my trajectory in life. I have come to a point now where I can’t allow these things and my fear of failure to govern my actions.
I allowed the proverbial statistics on my life to discourage me instead of motivate me. It was through therapy that I found salvation and I started my long road to healing, I found that I could breathe more in that little cubicle than I could at home. It was because of the work | did there that I saw a world outside of church, my stifling upbringing and the life that had been planned for me by people who couldn’t see me for me, people’s projections on me had broke. For 45 minutes every week, The parts of me that were shunned at home were allowed to thrive.
II learned about the young woman on the inside & why it was okay for me to be me. I learned to love who I am and who I was becomming. I learned the importance of self love and self care, and how to be good to myself. It was there that I took my life back. I remember thinking at some point, this was almost like having a fairy godmother. I had someone in my corner who wanted to be there for me in the way I needed them to. It had me thinking that I wanted to live a life where I could give back, and be that person for others, which is why I now want to become a Licsensed Clinical Social Worker.
I believe part of my life’s work is in healing my psyche, and changing my internal monologue, the parts of me that were told that I wouldn’t ammount to anything or achieve anything of significance. Part of my self care is understanding that self love requires being present in my own life, showing up for myself and Believing in myself and in all the good I can do in this world, and securing the best life possible for myself. When I look into my mind’s eye and see where I want to be in 20 years, It involves healing and Helping others discover the power they possess in themselves, in the same way that therapy had done for me as a teenager.
As a Trans Woman of Color, a college degree from The New School is not only a great way to start my life, but is also one of the only options I have for social social mobility and financial stability. It is a way out of the gender rigid, restricted situation I’m currently in. I am determined to do whatever it takes to be the person I see in my mind’s eye and live my life authentically and in my truth. Sometimes I would laugh until I cried, other times I would cry because I was experiencing things I couldn’t explain. I had real breakthroughs there.
