I love that name. It was not a coincidence you were given that call sign. No one in the National Guard knew your story when you were dubbed Black Magic, and yet it is completely appropriate. Black Magic is an artillery term that turns out to be a mirror of your philosophy thus far: Firing at a given target and making data adjustments from the observed round. Seems like a good plan, until you remember that it is supposed to be an emergency tactic and not the first course of action. Having a well thought out plan is a simple concept that you know all too well, yet you have never applied it to your life.
Benjamin Franklin said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. ” I will begin by stating that it is alright to not have all the answers. You’ve made mistakes, but that does not define who you are. The decisions you make every day define you. With each new day, comes a new opportunity to mold yourself into how you’d prefer to be. Perfection is not the goal, it is understanding and growth. There is still time to become who you aspire to be. Your children are incredible and will still allow you to be the father they deserve.
Take one step every day and trust in the process. Your personal life is chaos. Anyone can see that clear as glass. Were you born in Mexico or was it Orange, California? Just as an example of that chaos, you’re not even sure where you were actually born. In California, an undocumented child who enters the foster care system is rarely processed for deportation. It is possible you were granted citizenship due to the circumstances. Another possibility is that you were in fact born in California and traveled with your mother back to Mexico.
In either case, it all lead to the ever eventful task of crossing the border illegally not long after watching your mother be put in the ground. Your sister sacrificing her virtue as a woman, just to please the coyotes leading you to the promised land. All the uncertainty has had a great impact on everything you have ever pursued. Your lack of identity has confused you much of your life. Emotions, or more precisely how to process them, has eluded you. Those emotions have taken over and clouded your mind. Embrace your feelings and look through them at the source.
Why do you feel how you feel? Are you lonely or afraid? You are the only one who can control your feelings. You need to understand them before you can minimize their negative impact. Every day you will opportunities to fail at being your ideal self. Take on that challenge as you continue to grow. However, if you allow your emotions to consume you, you will make decisions whose consequences will follow you forever. Lao Tzu says, “Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power” (33).
Remember Makayla, your daughter with whom you will not have a relationship as she grows from child into adulthood. In her book Grit, Angela Duckworth says, “.. a lack of grit can come from having less coherent goal structures. ” That as a result of allowing your emotions to run your life. Navigating life is much like navigating through a game of chess. You must look ahead and be strategic in every environment. “My every move is a calculated step”, words of wisdom from Tupac Shakur. Life is beautiful due to its frailty; do not dwell on the times you should have died.
The significance of today can be measured by how your actions influence of your life hereafter. Everything will work itself out if you put in the work and keep moving forward. Your journey is your legacy to leave for others to find hope. Not every path has a happy ending, but they all tell f suffering and great loss. “The path into the light seems dark”, (Lao-Tzu 41). You have a tendency to use your lack of education beyond high school as an intellectual crutch. You are allowing your insecurity to belittle your intelligence. Education does not equate to intellect.
Some may argue that you over analyze, but I encourage you to indulge in your observations. Your education, so far, is derived through personal experiences immersed within several cultures. You have trouble articulating your thoughts and ideas, there is nothing wrong with that, but you must work on developing that skill every day. Slow down and be still in your thought until it is fully formed. You must write more, even if all you write are your thoughts. Take your ideas more seriously. You are in college to learn how to slow down your mind and focus.
Your real life experiences have put you in a perfect position to evaluate all with your unique perspective. You’re easily distracted and that will change as you find and explore your new joy of learning. Celebrate your decision to attend class instead of going to work and continue to enjoy each little victory. Do not neglect your education any further. Let everything else work out in due time. Your schooling will enable you to communicate your ideas better. Leave the days of half thought out plans behind. Your house is a failing business.
It does not matter what you do as a profession if at the end of the day your household continues to turn out loses year after year. You are not attentive in how you are operating financially. Be mindful of your household and how it conducts business. You have a new love for figure out how to turn it all around. You’ve invested time in learning how a credit score is calculated and strategies to improving your score. I understand that the urgency of certain perating costs need to be attended to first, but do not lose sight of the plan for financial freedom.
You still struggle figuring out what you want to pursue professionally, there is nothing wrong with that. Take your time and explore your ideas on helping others to educate themselves financially. Look into becoming a credit or budget counselor. Order business cards and begin helping people onto the right financial path now. Your knowledge and skill is valuable. Invest time into sharpening what you have learned. You’ll never be paid enough for your time, so invest in yourself and your family. Work is just a means to an end, not an end in itself.
There will be people who come into your life, but cannot remain a part of it. No matter how much you want to keep them in it. Their presence is only to teach and guide you. Your mentality has changed and you are growing every day. Others will be forced to grow with you or watch from the sidelines as you continue on your journey. It is your life to live as you see fit. No one has the right to pass judgement on how you conduct yourself. You know yourself and what is important to you. These ideals and expectations are just a coping mechanism people use o give value to themselves.
You have your own. Continue to take it one day at a time. Learn each day something you didn’t know before. Success and money is not what will make you feel fulfilled, and I cannot tell you what will help you achieve such a state. Having lived free of debt change everything for you. Your perspective, your ambition, daily stress, and even your happiness all changed. It is the pursuit of that state of mind, that way of life, which drives you. The wonderment of our adolescence is not lost, only forgotten. Teach yourself to be mindful in all things.
Lao-Tzu says, “Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through” (23). That is the legacy you want to pass on to your children, a legacy of mind. Pillage and plunder, for you will only achieve what you decide to achieve. William James, a Harvard psychologist was quoted by Angela Duckworth in her book Grit, “The plain fact remains that men the world over possess amounts of resources, which only very exceptional individuals push to their extremes of use” (23). Play until the whistle blows my friend.
