TRIPLE DECKER is a proposed one-hour TV series. The tone blends drama with some comedy. The idea of an extended family all living in one “triple decker” home has merit. TV shows about families are popular and the concept of one family living under the same roof is a smart idea and a good setup for drama and/or comedy. Another smart story choice is the main problem: they have lost their house to foreclosure and now they have to find a way to buy the house back. The goal is clear and the stakes are well defined. There’s an ensemble cast.
While initially, it’s challenging to get to know them, eventually, each one becomes more distinctive. While the premise is good, the pilot would still benefit from more development. The opening needs to be polished. The visual of the “triple decker” house and showing each floor is creative. However, after the initial introduction of the family on their “floors” all the characters are reintroduced again with ages and explanations regarding who they are. There’s no need to reintroduce them. This impedes the pace. The inciting event is the foreclosure. The reveal, however needs to be stronger.
Either Mitch should personally announce why he’s there and then the audience can see the reaction from each character or the announcement by Kelly should be stronger. The goal of saving their home is declared on page 12, but consider moving this up earlier to hook the audience more effectively. The structure is goal-focused. The family looks for ways to earn the money to save their house, however, try to remember to end each act on stronger tension. The show ends with them getting enough money to get an attorney. It’s an effective ending, especially the reveal about Kelly.
The pilot has several subplots. The idea of Kelly being pregnant is a workable subplot. It adds tension to the story and it will help build anticipation, as she prepares to give birth. It will also give the character of Kelly depth and some strong choices to make. The subplot regarding Kevin and Asia contains an intriguing twist when one learns he’s married to another woman. Asia’s reaction, however, doesn’t feel entirely believable. She doesn’t seem to take it as seriously as it should be taken. The Kimber subplot isn’t very strong and one isn’t as invested with her issues.
The tone of the pilot is an element to explore. It’s not a serious drama, and there are some light-hearted moments, but it’s not a true comedy either. Thus, the concern is that it may not appeal to the audience hoping for a serious, gritty drama, and it’s not going to appeal to the audience hoping for a comedy or dark comedy like DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. The dialogue and/or events aren’t ironic or sardonic events for a witty dark comedy/ drama. The events that occur aren’t gritty enough for a serious, dark drama. Even in an ensemble cast of characters. There’s normally one main character that drives the series.
Like in the series EVERYONE LOVE RAYMOND, the character of Ray was well identified as the central character. In I LOVE LUCY, Lucy is the main character. In this presentation, it’s difficult to identify who that character might be. It might be Kevin, but it’s not entirely clear. In addition, one of the major concerns is the lack of the viewer emotionally identifying with any of the characters in the show. It’s extremely important that the audience like the main characters and root for them. Right now, the audience roots for them to save their home, but they don’t root for each character.
Unfortunately, none of the main characters appeal to the audience. To craft a successful show, the characters have to be relatable. It doesn’t mean all the characters have to be nice characters, but they need to be more compelling. Wendy is a depressing character. She takes pills, and there’s really nothing about her that feels interesting or exciting. She also seems excited that her 16-year-old teenage daughter is pregnant. This feels a bit concerning. Most parents would be upset that their underage teen is having a baby. Steve belittles Wendy and he feels mean spirited. He does appear to cheat.
Kelly is a complex character. However, she’s the most memorable of the cast of characters. She has no idea who fathered her child, implying she’s sexual active with many partners and has low self-esteem. She’s definitely flawed, but the concern about Kelly is that she’s not really all that likable, until the very end. At the end, she shows more vulnerable and conflict about having the baby or an abortion. One can see the potential in her character. Try to make her dialogue a bit more witty and sardonic, but also make her more relatable sooner.
Mas seems to care about Kelly and the baby, but not much is nown about him yet. Todd also presents with some likable traits, but he’s just not extraordinary. There’s very little about Kimber that feels interesting. Timmy is actually one of the stronger characters. He’s an angry and troubled boy. His vulnerability is touching and sad. Timmy shows great potential as a character. Kevin is difficult to like, especially given that he’s still married to another woman. There’s very little to like about Asia, until she teases and warns Kevin that she’s not going to make life easy for him. The over dialogue has strengths and weaknesses.
The voices are distinctive to each character, yet at the same time, what they say isn’t all that compelling. Asia’s dialogue when she learns Kevin is still married sounds weak and not entirely authentic or believable. Mas saying, “You probably got the HIV,” sound means. Kevin asking, “Are you going to leave me? ” sounds on the nose. Finally, the pilot tends to tell and explain information vs. show. Remember, the audience can only see what’s on the screen or hear dialogue.
Thus, the audience can’t see the descriptions like, “She’s a Jackie Kennedy Onassis trophy wife, if only in her own head. Saying on page 6 that: “It is hard to believe,” can’t be seen by the audience. There’s no need to explain that Timmy, Pat, and Kelly aren’t at school. Just show the scene. Cut notes, like: “Translation: She doesn’t have enough Valium to leave the house. ” The audience has no way to understand this. Eliminate comments such as: “She’s unrealistic and probably the source of their money issues. ”
Again, the audience can’t see this and they don’t hear it. These types of comments become distracting and they also hinder the pace. Remember to be more visual. On page 5, the scene describes hat Kelly looks like she’s about to give herself a real talking to. This should be more visual for the viewer to help them understand her emotions. Facial expressions are very important as they convey emotion and reactions. There’s a minor typo on page 37 (Todd vs. Tood. ). Overall, the tension feels mild, only because the audience isn’t emotionally invested with the characters, but they are invested in the quest. In summary, while one likes the idea of an entire extended family living in one house for a TV show, consider a rewrite that focuses on creating characters that are more relatable.
