LAND OF THE BRAVE LORD is an ambitious dramatic script with fantasy features. The script contains solid themes about never giving up, fighting against the odds, and overcoming hardship. Greek mythology is also interwoven into the structure. The idea of an unfulfilled and unsatisfied husband trying to find his own way in life and overshadowed by his wife has merit. The idea of inheriting a family coffee plantation is solid. It’s a plot that the audience can easily relate with. The goal initially seems clear.
The stakes are personal, as the protagonist has jeopardized his marriage and family, as well as his finances to achieve his goal. The location is unique and visually attractive. The culture is authentic and believable. However, the structure and the series of events are in need of further development. The script would benefit from a more effective and focused structure. The script tries too hard to add elements that are not needed, making for an uneven or fragmented structure and tone. Some of the events, especially at the end, are not well understood.
The opening with the Greek mythology characters, while appreciated and creative, is not necessary and they do not immediately engage the audience. The link of the mythology story and the present day story is not well understood (the message). It’s really not needed and doesn’t benefit the script. In fact, the ending is simply not clear. It’s ambiguous if the idea of them entering the ancient ruins and underworld is a dream (like in the opening sequence) or not. It’s not an effective ending. This is a story in which a straightforward, simple storyline should be developed.
There’s a solid inciting event when Manny inherits the coffee plantation. The idea of him deciding to run the plantation should occur at the end of the first act (by page 30). Thus, the pace needs to be enhanced. The second act should be driven and focused on Manny making the coffee plantation a success, while overcoming the obstacles placed in his way by Isabel. In the third act he has to overcome the strongest obstacles. Right now, the first act doesn’t feel very focused. While it establishes the idea of Manny wanting his own goal in life, the first act tends to focus on other issues that are non-essential to the storytelling.
The first act is subjugated by sexually dominated talk, which isn’t relevant and not necessary. Too much time is also spent on Gloria being jealous of other women, such as Iris and the waitress. Characters like Sarita and Marrero are not needed. The first act just needs to focus on Manny feeling unfulfilled and how this affects his marriage. Also as structured now, even Donna isn’t needed as a character as she doesn’t add anything to the plot. Once Manny arrives in Puerto Rico focus the story on his goal of making a successful coffee business. Instead, currently, the structure doesn’t stay on task.
It becomes overly violent (which is much different from the first act) and it doesn’t really focus on the plantation as much as it focuses on other supporting characters and Manny being thrown in jail. The audience wants to see Manny over come obstacles, make a success of the plantation, bond with his workers, only to see all his hard work destroyed and he has to rebuild again. The scene in the jail with Iris sexually assaulting the trader is not needed. It’s too violent and doesn’t fit with the storyline. Iris declaring her love for Manny isn’t realistic and it’s not connected to the plot.
The idea that she was working for Manny in the States and just happens to be on the boat in Puerto Rico isn’t fully believable. The subplot about the orphan isn’t necessary and takes the focus away from the main goal: the coffee plantation. The tone also isn’t always consistent. Sometimes the tone is very dramatic, sometimes it’s very violent, sometimes it’s comical, and the blended combinations aren’t effective. Thus, overall, remember to keep the second act focused on Manny trying to work the plantation and trying to overcome all the obstacles.
The arrests and deportation are good obstacles, but the sequences need to be tightened and focused. As mentioned, the ending feels the most confusing as it reconnects to the Greek characters. It’s not well understood, nor is it emotionally satisfying. Continue to work on character development. The idea that Manny is a man who wants to take control of his own life and life choices has merit. It’s a good foundation for good character growth. He definitely has potential to be an intriguing character. Right now, he feels overpowered and overshadowed by his wife.
In a smart story choice, he now faces another controlling female foe in Isabel. It’s a clever plot technique. However, unfortunately, Manny is not a character that the audience cares about or likes. One reason for this is his actions and dialogue. For example, in the first act he’s too consumed with talking about women and sex. It becomes repetitive and offensive to women. It’s also not relevant to the plot. Find ways to make Manny more relatable to the mainstream audience and more likable. He needs to have redeeming qualities. He needs to be a character that’s interesting.
The goal is to create a rootable interest in Manny. Show him struggling with strong moral choices about his decisions and his family. Work on making his voice sound more natural. Explore more of his inner guilt and struggle about his own past, maybe related to his father. Gloria also, sadly, isn’t a very likable character either. She has negative views about men. She has an attitude. Gloria feels too abrasive and unpleasant. She’s stuck in the past. She really never redeems herself or grows. If the goal is to root for Manny and Gloria, the audience has to be convinced that they belong together.
Right now the audience doesn’t believe that. They have to resolve their conflict with each other about the past to move forward. But they can’t just jump from despising each other to suddenly being back in love. The audience has to be convinced that they have struggled to make it back to each other. Gloria is also missing for most of the second act, diluting her role. Reconsider this. There are actually too many characters in the story and they should be streamlined. Isabel has a strong personality, but she’s underused because of the structure.
Becerrillo actually turns out to be the strongest foe. Thus, there’s no need for both Isabel and Becerrillo. One way to create more engaging characters is with more dynamic dialogue. Some of the dialogue contains nice subtext and reveals information about the characters, but at other times the dialogue sounds melodramatic or un-natural. For example, “With wings on my shoulders I fly to your arms. ” People really don’t talk this way. The sexual dialogue should be eliminated. While the story offers obstacles for Manny to overcome, the tension doesn’t feel compelling enough.
This is because of the structure not being focused, the uneven tone, and the lack of identifying with the characters. The script is professionally formatted, although there are minor errors, such as a missing slugline/scene heading when they go on the boat to find the orphan. There are some extra formatting lines/spaces. There are also some minor typos/grammar errors. In summary, the concept is solid, but the story would benefit from more development in the areas of structure, pace, staying focused on the main task, creating a consistent tone, and character development.