LAND OF THE BRAVE LORD is an ambitious dramatic script with fantasy features. The script contains solid themes about never giving up, fighting against the odds, and overcoming hardship. Greek mythology is also interwoven into the structure.
The idea of an unfulfilled and unsatisfied husband trying to find his own way in life and overshadowed by his wife has merit. The idea of inheriting a family coffee plantation is solid. It’s a plot that the audience can easily relate with. The goal initially seems clear. The stakes are personal, as the protagonist has jeopardized his marriage and family, as well as his finances to achieve his goal.
The location is unique and visually attractive. The culture is authentic and believable.
The link of the mythology story and the present day story is not well understood (the message). It’s really not needed and doesn’t benefit the script. In fact, the ending is simply not clear. It’s ambiguous if the idea of them entering the ancient ruins and underworld is a dream (like in the opening sequence) or not. It’s not an effective ending.
This is a story in which a straightforward, simple storyline should be developed. There’s a solid inciting event when Manny inherits the coffee plantation. The idea of him deciding to run the plantation should occur at the end of the first act (by page 30). Thus, the pace needs to be enhanced.
The second act should be driven and focused on Manny making the coffee plantation a success, while overcoming the obstacles placed in his way by Isabel. In the third act he has to overcome the strongest…
Isabel has a strong personality, but she’s underused because of the structure. Becerrillo actually turns out to be the strongest foe. Thus, there’s no need for both Isabel and Becerrillo.
One way to create more engaging characters is with more dynamic dialogue. Some of the dialogue contains nice subtext and reveals information about the characters, but at other times the dialogue sounds melodramatic or un-natural. For example, “With wings on my shoulders I fly to your arms.” People really don’t talk this way. The sexual dialogue should be eliminated.
While the story offers obstacles for Manny to overcome, the tension doesn’t feel compelling enough. This is because of the structure not being focused, the uneven tone, and the lack of identifying with the characters.
The script is professionally formatted, although there are minor errors, such as a missing slugline/scene heading when they go on the boat to find the orphan. There are some extra formatting lines/spaces. There are also some minor typos/grammar errors.
In summary, the concept is solid, but the story would benefit from more development in the areas of structure, pace, staying focused on the main task, creating a consistent tone, and character…