WHO ARE YOU is a character driven drama. The script offers two potentially complex and intriguing characters in Ethan and Holly. The idea of a famous photographer going blind and being forced to rely on a caring nurse has merit. The story is driven by the themes of second chances and healing. While the idea is intriguing, unfortunately, the script doesn’t deliver the promise of the premise. There are several areas that are worth discussing. First, there’s a solid and compelling inciting event when Ethan is discovered to have a brain tumor and loses his eyesight.
There’s nice irony in the idea of him going blind, given that he’s a famous photographer. In fact, he would rather die than be blind. This turn of events sets up a clear emotional struggle for Ethan. Already, an independent, controlling, and demeaning man, Ethan is used to getting things his way. Now he’s placed in a situation in which he has to rely on others. He doesn’t have control and this makes him a bitter, demanding, and disagreeable person. His new caretaker is a woman he once dismissed.
It’s a smart setup. However, as the story progresses the concern about the script is that there’s no clear, actionable goal, the structure becomes repetitive, and the script begins to wander. By the end of the first act, there clearly should be a goal for the protagonist. It’s also a bit ambiguous regarding whose story is truly being told. At times it feels like Ethan’s story, and at times it feels like Holly’s story. Select whose story is being told and clearly identify their goal and struggle.
Granted, the idea is for Holly to help Ethan adjust to his new sightless world, but by page 47 he can see again, thus, this confuses the direction of the story even more. Even earlier, on page 32, Ethan declares he’ll see again. Yet on page 36, he contradicts himself and no longer is after his goal to see, and later in the structure, around page 65, he declares a new goal of getting back into photography and he wants Holly helps. This can work if the first part of the script is more goal-oriented with him learning to try and see, while blind.
Thus, by the end of the first act the goal needs to be clear (wants to see) and the second act is the promise of the premise, in which the protagonist, with much determination, goes after that goal, while overcoming obstacles. So, if this is Ethan’s story and if his goal is to see again and take photographs, this should be declared and then he has to go after it. So he might begin with just declaring that he wants to see and eventually later he raises the stakes with wanting to take pictures. First, he needs to learn how to see using someone else’s eyes.
So one might show him finally moving forward with learning his surroundings i. e. how to get around his house/stair/outside. Eventually, he finds his camera and tries to take pictures. This elevates the story and moves it forward. Then he finally wants Holly to be his eyes and he teaches her how to take pictures even though he can’t see. They would then grow closer and eventually something or someone would pull them apart. Right now, the series of events becomes repetitive. There are several scenes in which Ethan is disagreeable, Holly and everyone else complains. This is repetitive.
There are several scenes of seeing the old woman and it also becomes too repetitive. There are other scenes that feel non-essential. For example, the women go shopping. The women’s shopping hinders the pace. The relevance of Ethan eating chocolate isn’t well understood, nor is it engaging. There’s no payoff for this. Clarify how this relates to this plot or cut it. It’s unclear why Holly would continue to feed Ethan if he can see. Clarify how much he can see. The subplot involving the old woman – who doesn’t seem to be “old,” (consider not labeling her old woman) needs more development.
When Holly gives Ethan the gift and tells Ethan it’s from his mother, this makes Holly very irresponsible and she sounds cold-hearted. She’s not likable in his scene. The story about Ethan’s mother and the backstory seems inconsistent. First he dreams about a drunken mother (suggest cutting the dream), who seems to resent that he looks like his father, and then he tells Holly his mother just simply disappeared. In reality, this is a subplot that doesn’t really provide any emotional response. It takes away from the Ethan and Holly story.
There’s a hint of a romance between Holly and Ethan, but it needs further development. First, one never understands the Ethan and Sasha relationship or why he would propose to her. He doesn’t seem like the proposing type of character and there’s very little chemistry between them. There’s a lovely scene between Holly and Ethan at the ocean bench, but it’s too little and nothing becomes of their attraction. They actually share nice chemistry when engaging in witty banter. The ending with the home invasion is predictable, but it’s not convincing as executed.
It turns the story into a thriller, the idea that the mother called the police isn’t believable or convincing, and the sequence doesn’t have enough compelling tension. The dialogue of the intruders isn’t strong and the idea of Gianna being involved in the invasion isn’t well setup. She’s introduced too late and never well incorporated into the overall script. Also, it’s a bit unbelievable that she just happens to be the replacement. At first, Holly seems likable. Holly, who has dreams of being a photographer, cares for Ethan, but her dreams are hindered by her financial needs.
Ironically, she becomes Ethan’s caretaker and his “eyes”. She seems independent, and a hard worker. It’s been established that she has a temper. However, her slapping the desk isn’t needed and not believable. Find a convincing way to establish or convey her temper. When she works for Ethan, Holly becomes a bit submissive. Instead of her feeding him, she eventually needs to tell him to do it for himself. Her goal is really to be a photographer and she’s conflicted about her desire and need to financially support herself. At the end it’s not clear what she learns or how she grows as a person.
Ethan is an intriguing character. He’s abrasive and arrogant. He’s blind emotionally, as well as physically. He’s bitter about his situation and pushes everyone away. By the end of the first act he wants to see again, but he’s not proactive enough. Instead, he immediately regresses, making him feel repetitive. At the end he learns to appreciate what he can see right in front of him. Tim is a loyal friend, who, we assume pretends to be his brother. Tim’s flashback of Ethan telling him to let him die needs to be cut. As mentioned, Claire emotionally engages the audience.
She doesn’t sound or act like an old woman. It’s unclear what chart she receives (page 77). For the most part, the dialogue sounds consistent to each character and reflects their personality and generates some conflict. There’s nice witty banter between Ethan and Holly creating good chemistry. However, as the story progresses the dialogue becomes too repetitive. There are several scenes in which they discuss how disagreeable Ethan is. Also, the intruders’ dialogue sounds weak. Here are some additional specific notes to consider: As mentioned, the slapping of the desk feels a bit over the top.
Strengthen the dialogue between Tim and the doctor. It sounds on the nose and Tim repeatedly is asking questions. It doesn’t make for a compelling conversation. Also, it’s not believable that the doctor would give out personal medical information to Tim, and later to Tim and Holly. Continue to develop characters. There’s very little known about the backstory of Holly. Clarify what “rages” visually looks like or is it just verbal? Tim places a battery in the fire alarm, but there’s no known purpose for this scene. The “chocolate” subplot feels a bit odd. It doesn’t feel relevant.
It’s unclear why Holly continues to feed Ethan if he can see. Make sure at the end of the first act there’s a clear declaration of the goal. Act two needs to be more goal-focused. Right now it wanders. Remember, both Ethan and Holly should have an inner struggle that conflicts with their external goal, and they will both need to grow as characters. One understands Ethan’s inner struggle with control and independences. Holly’s inner struggle appears to be giving up her dream for financial reasons. Also, Ethan says true love is for fools. By the end of the story he may feel differently.
Make sure to highlight that. Consider what the obstacles are that will get in the way of their goal(s). Ethan’s dialogue is confusing, “You’re familiar… I do. I recognize your face. ” It seemed to be established earlier that he recognized her voice and who she was. Cut the scene around page 16: “Hospital Corridor” when the nurse tells Tim where to wait. Cut Tim saying, “When we visit the doctor next, we’ll try and get some help convincing him he needs to be safe. ” It’s unclear why this is included. Overall, there’s very little compelling tension in the script.
There’s no sense of tension building and there’s nothing at risk identified for the characters. Highlight that Ethan has no idea what to do with his life, if he can be a photographer to highlight the personal stakes for him. Formatting errors: On page 6, the office needs a new scene heading. On page 22, the wrong format is used re: Tim looks at Holly confused. On page 25, the wrong format is used: Holly helps him out of bed… On page 59, cut the fade out. On page 67, there’s a character heading for Ethan, but no dialogue. On page 37, there’s a typo.
It should be “The kitchen is a mess. ” There’s rough transition on page 24. Holly leaves and in the very next scene, she’s back. On page 37, there’s no way for the audience to understand, “She seems to long for the days of a decent, idealistic employee…” On page 43, there’s no way for the audience to know the price tag is absurd, unless she’s looking at it. On page 48, the same dialogue is repeated, “Find some kinda buried treasure? ” and “So you did find buried treasure. ” Show visually what “irreparably angry and hurt,” looks like.
In summary, the idea of a caretaker caring for a blind man, with a possible romantic interest can make for a good character driven story. Both characters are potentially complex. However, remember there has to be compelling tension and conflict to sustain the plot. While there is conflict, unfortunately, right now, there isn’t enough compelling tension and the goal is ambiguous. Compelling dramas can be marketable if the characters are complex and intriguing. The characters have merit, but the plot needs direction and focus. Target audience mainstream drama.
