Death stretched his long arms out towards me as my muscles quivered. Fear and sadness over took my mind as the soft cushion cupped around my face. This was not the first time I had had a panic attack. I tried hard to breath deeply and calm my cries for help but hyperventilation set in. Shattering screams escaped my lips as I curled into the chair and sobbed uncontrollably. …
Laughter flooded from the back seat as I swerved carefully onto Roy’s street. Max and Helen’s giddiness with each other pushed a thick knot of hatred into my throat, nauseating me. Pulling up to the disheveled frat house, we parked and wobbled up the stairs. The conversation escapes me, but I remember the set up. A cinder block, broken dining room chair, and large nine-legged hand made stool sat outside the front door. Roy carried out a large table, set it up, than lugged out loads of alcohol. They laughed at me as Roy poured them all drinks.
“Aw poor Alex can’t drink tonight!” Helen says, smirking. “Aw!” Max and Roy say together. I rolled my eyes and waited for the agony of this night to begin. Being the youngest out of the four of us put the responsibility on my shoulders. Though I chose to be the designated driver for Max’s twenty-first birthday celebration, seeing Helen laugh and touch Max’s arm, hurt.
As soon as I had gotten comfortable on the short, hard cinder block, a police officer walked up the steps. “Get inside, Alex.” Roy said in a hushed tone as the cop introduced himself. Swiftly slipping by the man, I went into Roy’s boiling hot home. Southern Illinois is hotter then what I was used to, but his house was ridiculous. Sweat leaked down my back, arms, legs and forehead. I panted to try to get any kind of relief. To my surprise, and anger, the cop was off of the porch and gone.
“Can I come back out?” I say creaking open the front door. “Yeah.” Roy says pouring another drink. Within minutes of feeling the relief of the outside air, I was rushed back inside while another cop car passed. This time was longer than the first. Instead of staying in the intense heat that is Roy’s home, I snuck onto the back porch and sat, alone. Hearing the drunken laughter of my friends in the front.
Ten, twenty, thirty minutes passed. Their laughter continued as my loneliness and anger built up inside. “Alex!” Max yelled from the front porch, peering over the side at me, “Come on back!” I angrily pushed myself up and sauntered over to the front porch. “Damn, you’re really sweaty!” Helen said with a giggle. I glared at her lightly and sat down, ignoring her comment. “What happened?” I exclaimed, expecting the worst. Apparently a man that lives two doors down from Roy ran away. His sister got worried so she called the police and filed a missing persons report. The men and women in uniform were going to all of the neighbors homes around the area asking if they had seen the missing man.
With what I hoped was the most intense moment of the night over; they continued to drink merrily as I watched. We laughed and talked about our life at camp as their speech got more and more slurred.
“Oh by the way, my friend Kyle is going to meet us at the bar. Oh and he’s going to try to fuck you guys.” Roy said looking at Helen and me. “Oh good.” I said glaring at the ground. Helen giggled, and I knew it was my responsibility to remind her that she had a boyfriend back home. I tried all summer to remind her that, but I guess at summer camp, Max mattered more then Ethan.
“Try to calm down the flirting,” said Roy looking at Helen. Helen looked at Roy angrily, “I have a boyfriend.” She said, glaring. Roy caught my eyes and rolled his. At ten o’clock at night, the pre-gaming was finally over. It was time for me to take the lead and drive us to the bar. “How do I get there,” I said pulling out of my parking spot. Roy drunkenly navigated as I drove; angry to be caught up in the situation I placed myself in. Purple walls surrounded us as we sat around a large table. Dim lights hung from the ceiling. A woman with long hair and a low top walked up to us. “Can I see your IDs?” She said, winking at Kyle, for as Roy had put it earlier, he was the most attractive guy Roy had ever met.
Cards were passed around until it got to me. “I’m the designated driver,” I said smiling. She offered me a free soda but I refused. Since it was Max’s twenty-first they had a round of chocolate cake shots. Two for the birthday boy, one shot for everyone else including the waitress, free of charge. The time at the bar was the most relaxed I felt the whole night. Other people were around us, so it wasn’t just me who was responsible. In the first hour, Max was extremely drunk, Roy was still a bit tipsy and Helen acted as though she was so drunk she couldn’t handle herself. At one point in the night all three of them got up to use the bathroom, leaving Kyle and me to talk awkwardly.
“So Helen’s good at pretending that she’s drunk,” Kyle said to me with a laugh. “You can tell too?” I exclaimed. Her over dramatic, attention seeking personality was seeping out all over the place, but the only person I wanted to notice was blinded by infatuation. “She’s also a huge flirt.” He stated, “I don’t get how you deal with her.” We continued talking about those sorts of things until Roy returned. I really liked Kyle, because for once someone really saw what I saw in Helen.
Finally all back in our seats the waitress walked back over and asked what they wanted for round one of actually paying for drinks. “I’ll buy your birthday drink,” I told Max. He refused but I insisted until he broke. “You’re the best Alex!” he said smiling at me, “When you turn twenty-one I’m going to buy your birthday drink!” He put his arm around my shoulder, drunkenly happy. I smiled with a hope that shouldn’t have been there, for a second later he was back to laughing at whatever Helen said. We talked until one in the morning, when the dim lights turned bright and their tab was closed. Getting up to leave, Kyle got the waitresses number, Roy, tired, drunk and in a bad mood, snapped at me about how hungry he was, and Max and Helen hooked arms and drunkenly swayed towards the car.
Finally we were heading back to camp. The night was coming to a close. I didn’t have to deal with them anymore once I got back to camp. “Before you drive me home, drive threw Steak and Shake,” Roy demanded. In order to not get yelled at, I complied. “Oo! Steak and shake! I could eat!” Helen and Max said. Being that they were much drunker than Roy, I just ignored them. Pulling back up to Roy’s house was a relief to Roy, but a large anxiety for me. Now I had to find my way back to camp, in an unusual area, with two obnoxious drunks.
Red face and white knuckled, the car rumbled to a stop. A large, long train pulled slowly in front of us and screeched to a stop. “Fuck!” I screamed, hands tightening around the wheel. “Oh no! Alex is stressed!” Max said, sounding worried. Helen giggled as she cuddled closer to him in the back seat. Loud sigh of frustration, hurt and anger escaped my lips. Twenty minutes later and the red and white signs lifted. Just to slowly lower once again, the lights flashing again. My knuckles became numb.
“I have to pee,” Helen complained. Sweat built up on my palms. “When this train passes, I’ll stop for you.” I said taking a deep breath. “But I have to pee now,” she whined. Thankfully the white and red lifted and I rushed past the train tracks, probably a bit to quickly. “Pull over, I have to pee,” Helen yelled. “We are in the middle of no where.” I said as calmly as possible. “Pull over!” She screamed. Swerving off to the side of the road, I screamed fine. “I can’t pee here!” She yelled again locking her hands around a lock of my hair. In pure rage I slammed on the gas and flew down the dark road. Rent’s soundtrack blasted on the radio as I tried to control my anger. To calm my nerves, I switched the song to my favorite.
“Bitch change it back to my favorite song!” Helen screamed. “That song makes me cry,” I screamed, “So no! I’m driving so you have to deal with it.” Helen’s wicked hands latched around the back of my head and pulled. My head banged onto the back of the headrest as my scalp burned from the yank of my hair. Shaking in hatred, I switched the song back to her favorite as she continued to scream at me.
“If you shut up for a second you would hear that I changed the song back,” I screamed, my voice cracking with emotion. Helen went silent for a second then, giggling, began to sing along. Finally on the last stretch of road I curved quickly around each dark corner. In the bright light of the headlights I saw a dead raccoon sitting on the other side of the road. Seconds later and live raccoon ran in front of the car. Jerking to the left, I missed the raccoon by a hair.
“Wow, even drunk I could drive better than her,” Helen said glaring into the rear view mirror. I pulled violently into a parking spot, got out of the car and slammed the door. In seconds I was storming off when I realized they still need my help.
“Shh be quiet, people are sleeping,” I said, as they giggled on, leaning on each other. They stumbled into the big room and I plopped onto a large chair. “I’m hungry,” Max said. Without hesitation I stood up and prepared Raman for both of them. “You didn’t make it right,” Helen said dipping her spoon into the hot liquid. Steaming, I sat back down and stared at my phone. Max looked at me, concerned, for my hands were shaking. “It tastes great Alex, thank you,” He said giving me a genuine and caring smile. My mouth didn’t move and neither did my eyes. I stared at him with anger and hate, just as I stared at Helen. Eyes back to my phone, Helen and Max began to lie on each other again. I heard a sharp inhale. Looking up I saw that Max was tearing up.
“Its her isn’t it?” Helen said, gently rubbing Max’s knee, “the girl I remind you of.” Max shook his head yes, “I’m not her you know.” “You’re better,” he said. My arms began to shake, legs quivered, eyes fogged up with brewing tears. Pursing my lips I clenched the arms of the chair so hard my hands turned white. I tried to control the shaking. I tried to breath, but it was to late.
“You’re better.” My whole body shook. “What’s wrong Alex?” Max said. I said nothing and continued to glare at my pearly white hands. Another sharp inhale and Max began to gently and quietly cry. “I used to keep stuff in too,” He said, “Please tell me what’s wrong.” Anger boiled in my veins while tears flooded my eyes. I looked up at Max and a tear dripped down my cheek. Suddenly and mysteriously herself and completely sober Helen asked me if they should leave, or something of that nature. I shook my head yes and they left the big room, closing the door behind. Knowing full well their faces peered threw the little window on the doors, I slammed my hand into my face and began to cry. I cried roughly, painfully. Quick, loud breaths filled my lungs and I cried, red eyed and angry. Still knowing they were watching me; I slammed my face into the back of the soft chair.
