In The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work there are seven myths and seven real truths about marriage. The first myth is that neuroses or personality problems will ruin a marriage. The truth about that myth is that we all have our crazy buttons or issues were not totally rational about, but they don’t necessarily interfere with marriage. The key to a happy marriage isn’t having a “normal” personality, but finding someone with whom you get along with. The second myth is that common interests keep you together.
The truth is that it is a plus to have common interests with someone, but is all depends on how you interact with the other person while pursuing those interests. The third myth is the saying “You scratch my back and ….. “. The real truth about this myth is that it is only a truly unhappy marriage where this quid pro quo operates, where each partner feels the need to tally up things the other partner did. Married couples should just do things for one another because it feels positive to them and their spouse. If you keep score in marriage it shows there is an area of tension in your marriage.
Another myth that is shown to us in this book would be that avoiding conflict in a relationship will ruin your marriage. The truth about this myth is that couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fighting with their spouses at all costs, some couples fight a lot, and some can find a compromise with out ever having to raise their voices. No one of these styles is better for the other it’s just a matter of which style works for both spouses. The fifth myth that is portrayed is that affairs are the root cause of divorce.
The truth is that problems in marriage which send couples on a path to divorce also tends to lead to one or both of the partners resort to an intimate relationship outside of marriage. Eighty percent of divorced men and women said their marriage broke up because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness, or because they did not feel loved or appreciated. The sixth myth that is talked about is that men are not biologically “built” for marriage. The truth is that among humans the frequency of extramarital affairs does not depend on the gender so much as the opportunity.
Now that so many women work outside the home, the rate of extramarital affairs by women have skyrocketed. The seventh and final myth in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work is the saying men and women are from different planets. The truth about that saying is that gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they do not cause them. In this book it tells us of six signs to predict divorce. The first one being harsh start up. When a discussion starts off with criticism or sarcasm it has begun with a harsh start up.
Research shows that if a discussion begins with a harsh start up, it will inevitably end on a negative note. Even if there are attempts to be nice to each other in between if a conflict begins on a bad note it will inevitably end on one too. The second sign to predicting are the four horsemen. The four horsemen are types of negative interactions that couples endure. The four horsemen being criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.
A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination. The second horsemen is contempt. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. Name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are also types of contempt. Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen because it conveys a sort of disgust to your spouse. Contempt is usually fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner. If differences between spouses are not resolved contempt is usually what spouses are led to.
Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than resolution The third of the horsemen is defensiveness. Defensiveness is when one partner is being contemptuous or sarcastic the other feels the need to defend themselves. This is called defensiveness. Of course when a spouse is tearing down the other that partner is going to feel the need to defend themselves. The fourth of the horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling is when a partner just tunes the other out because of all the arguing and putting down that has occurred. Stonewalling usually occurs later on in the marriage.
The stone-waller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying. The third sign to predicting divorce is flooding. Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell shocked. The spouse feels so defenseless against the attack that they will learn to do anything to avoid a replay. Usually people stonewall as a protection of feeling flooded. The fourth sign to help predict divorce is body language. When couples are being monitored during times of tension, you can see many changes in the physical aspect.
Their heart rate can speed up very fast, sweating, blood pressure can get higher, and also hormonal changes can occur. You could probably tell if the marriage was leading to divorce just by looking at the physical aspects of the partners. The fifth sign are failed repair attempts. Repair attempts are efforts the couples make to deescalate the tension during a touchy situation. Repair attempts help marriages not just because they decrease emotional tension between the spouses, but because by lowering the stress level they also prevent your heart from racing and making you feel flooded.
If there are no repair attempts – or if the attempts are not able to be heard – the marriage is in serious danger. All repair attempts keep a marriage stable because they prevent the four horsemen from moving in for good. The sixth and final sign to help predict is bad memories. Couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past. A marriage will work out for the best, even if criticism and contempt are involved, because couples can just think of the earlier memories and how good they felt early on.
But a way to know if the marriage isn’t going to work is when couples are asked about their past and things get rewritten and all they can think about are the bad times. Bad memories is a sign of predicting divorce because even if couples are going through rocky times they know they will always have their good earlier memories, but if neither of them can even think of any good memories than they’ve all gone bad and the relationship is probably heading to divorce. There are two types of conflict that are portrayed in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. One type of problem would be the perpetual problems.
This is when couples argue continually about the same issue. These couples intuitively understand that problems are inevitably part of a relationship, and they get used to them and cope. An example of this would be that one of the spouses wants sex more than the other one does. Another example of a perpetual problem would be that one of them is lazy about their work and rarely ever does their chores. Despite the differences these couples endure with these types of problems the couples stay satisfied with each other because they have found a way to deal with these types of problems so they don’t overwhelm one another.
The second type of problems are the solvable problems. But just because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it always gets resolved. When a solvable problem causes excessive tension , its because they haven’t learned effective techniques for conquering it. Solvable problems are not easily solved because the techniques they hear about using are usually about being a good listener or learning about your partners perspective. These are not easy things to do when your in times of distress. An example of a perpetual problem is a problem between the personalities of each of the spouses.
These problems go to the core of both of them and even though they may seem to be easily resolved it’s a lot harder than that. It goes deeper into the relationship and are usually problems that discuss how each other reacts to one another during a stressful situation. In The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work there are seven principles that are given to make a marriage work. The first one is to enhance your love maps. A love map is when couples are intimately and socially familiar with each other’s world.
The influences of each others thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration by one another. A love map also includes being involved in each others lives more closely and knowing things like each others distant friends, interests, or dislikes. To be specific a significant other should know how their partner likes their eggs cooked or what to put into their coffee. A second principle for making a marriage work is to nurture your fondness and admiration. Interestingly enough these are the two most crucial elements in a long-lasting and rewarding romance.
If you do not admire your partner or are not fond of their traits it would be impossible to revive their relationship. Consider not being attracted physically or emotionally to your partner, do you think you would want to make a lasting relationship with them? Another principle that should be considered when problems irrevertably arise is to “turn toward each other instead of away. ” In some such cases are when a wife has a terrible nightmare and looks towards the husband for emotional support and he tries to shed some light on the subject.
Or if the husband is having a rough day at work and the wife sits him down and gives him a massage to ease the tension or frustrations. The fourth principle of making a successful marriage is to let your partner influence you in short term as well as long term decisions. A few examples could be as little as what type of tie the husband should wear to work or what the wife would like to be brought home for dinner or as much as whether or not to purchase a pool or redecorate the kitchen.
Solve your solvable problems is the fifth principle and should be considered in strong disagreements that can lead to screaming matches or an angry silence. A common example would be not spending enough time together due to excessive work habits. The two views could be considered equally important to each other and both parties should understand each others points thoroughly, just like putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
However if their seems to be no hope for a seemingly impossible problem like choosing where to move next or even passing on a religion to their children, this would be considered gridlock. If gridlock occurs principle number six should take effect only after number five is taken quite seriously but if it stills seems impossible to come out of a gridlock you should honestly just try to make the best of it and have respect for each others wishes even if it means to temporarily dispose or yours.
Finally principle number seven which is to create a shared meaning towards each other. This can be viewed in many ways like wear you fit in the family or what influences you, yourself hold towards the agreements made in the marriage. This could be considered your symbolic traits taken into consideration by your significant other like your heritage customs or your vague beliefs of religion.
