One day I’ll be someone’s first choice. Meaning I won’t be there because there was nobody left to ask or just to tag a long since I was just standing there. Maybe someone will notice this and be genuine about it and not ask out of pity. I want to be someone’s first choice. But not for getting help off some work or for homework because I’m smart. I want to be someone’s choice because they want me there. That they thought of me first because they genuinely enjoy my company, for who I am. Flaws and all and there are many of them. I want to be someone people can trust or talk about anything with them. Even if I might not offer the best input but I just want to be there. I want to be someone people can speak in front of instead of hearing them whisper “I need to talk to you, but not right here” only for them not to notice I can see them looking at me but what hurts most about that is everyone knows but me. It sucks feeling left out, but that’s something I can’t fix myself. I can’t do anything to stick out around so many creative and unique people when I’m considered average.
The way I’ve seen things my whole life is someone as a burden. No one wants me here and if they do say they do it’d either out of pity and say that to everyone who is having a self-esteem problem. If it wasn’t for the people I’m friends with or acquainted with nobody will probably know I exist. Even though I did make some new friends I can’t help but feel left out. I always make sure no one feels left out I forget about myself sometimes. It might be a sad punishment but it’s probably worth it. I’ve felt left out most of my life the last thing I want is for someone to feel the same loneliness like I did. I guess I can’t blame anyone for myself, maybe one day who knows when I’ll be someone’s first choice I want to meet someone where all we do is annoy each other in the good kind To the point where we always hang out and never need a break from each other and if we do it’s not over some petty fight.
I’ll be someone’s first choice someday and when that day comes two things can happen. One we’ll feel like we’re getting close and I’ll introduce them to my little friend group and that person will make better friends with someone in that group and forget about me or two. I’ll hold onto that person and make sure no one takes them away, but then I’ll feel selfish because that person shouldn’t be tied down to me because I’m not worth it. In the end if someone does make me their first choice it won’t last for long. And there is no one blame but me.